As the token female Sports Bitch I’ve decided to help out my all my bitches out there with a new ‘How to…’ guide! This week (I say week as if this will be weekly, it’ll be whenever I’m holed really!) I’ll be giving tips about scoring the greatest sports stars of all time. First up: the local GAA player, that God among men! Follow a few easy steps and you’ll soon be mauling the face off the corner forward.

Tip 1: As Harry Enfield said: women, know your limits. I’m sorry, but regardless how he looks (usually as inbred as sin) you’re not going to score the midfielder unless you’re Grainne Seoige, but even if you look like Síle Seoige you can score the corner back. Midfielders, centre backs and corner forwards (and in some cultures the goalie) are the most sought after of shifts, so focus your attention elsewhere (the subs bench is a great place to start, if you can bear the shame) and you’ll soon be a WAG! But the exception to the rule, as always, regardless of how you look – no knickers mean a definite fingering from the half forward.

Watch your mouth and be the scoring queen down the local Gahh, says Langerford Bitch

Tip 2: Be lady-like at all times. Go to their matches, but don’t make a fool of yourself; know when to shout at the ref that he’s a dirty cunt, and when to yell at the opposing trainer that his daughter gives shite head.

Tip 3: On nights out, if you’re not wasted, the night is! The drunker you are, the more likely you are one of the lads will score you – remember, there’s no shame in getting picked up during the Ten To Two Rush.

Tip 4: Be flexible. You basically have to act like his mother, his psychiatrist and sex object in one – you’ll have to foot the turf so he won’t miss any trainings, wash and stuff his boots for him, listen to how that dirty bastard selector won’t play him because “that cunt O’Connor’s scoring his daughter and sure she’s fuckin in love with him, and sure the fucker can’t play for shite”, all while lying back and acting like a man’s never pleasured you so thoroughly before.

And the Golden Rule? Holy Christ, remember his mother’s a fucking saint and NEVER bad mouth her. She pisses parafin oil and spent 78 hours in labour with him. You have been warned.