Under normal circumstances, watching England’s players, coaches and media spectacularly contrive to take a king-sized dump all over their World Cup chances before the tournament is pure poetry to the average Irishman.

Rivalled only by the Dutch in the internal combustion stakes, highlights include Glenn Hoddle claiming he could see dead people, and Sven Goran Eriksson trying to get the jump on about everything in sight.

But despite the current baffling trend of the England back four doing as little to endear themselves to each other as possible, we can’t quite be as smug about the Wayne Bridge affair.

Matt Le Tiss: even Vanessa Perroncel wouldn't tap that

We Corkonians have long been noted for the unusual anomaly of simultaneously harbouring inferiority and superiority complexes – witness the belief and swagger based on their self-administered status as God’s chosen people, and the pissy, childish defensiveness that emerges when you dare suggest Dublin might have any redeeming qualities whatsoever.

Two such twats who could really do with a funt in the Shandons are Roy Keane and Stephen Ireland, responsible for Saipan and Grannygate respectively. They are the primary reasons we can’t point and laugh at the Poms over Wayne Bridge’s walkout.

Instead, in the spirit of offering the hand of friendship across the Irish Sea (only if you give me a job, you cunts), Sports Bitch wishes to proffer a viable solution to England’s footballing ills – bring back Matt Le Tissier.

The ultimate one-club man (Ryan Giggs doesn’t figure, on account of being more ape than man), Le God is a favourite of ours as he was one of the last players to look like he’d cleaned out every pie stand at The Dell before each match but still had enough gifts to produce the spectacular, seemingly at will – see the video below for proof.

His moral compass is also more well adjusted than the current crop, albeit in relative terms – who else could fail to hoof the ball out of play to win an illegal bet?.

Having never “done it” in an England shirt during his playing career, we’re assuming Le Tissier harbours some sense of resentment and would relish another crack at it (but then again, maybe he just wants a Snickers).

He also only missed one penalty out of 49 is his professional career – and we all know how England could do with at least one man who doesn’t suffer brain farts during shootouts.

But the best argument of all? He definitely won’t ride anyone’s missus. Are you listening Fabio?